Category Archives: Funny stuff

Kelly’s Mid-life Crisis


Like any college student, I was simply procrastinating studying for my art history exam, lame right? I decided to scroll through instagram and I came across Slater’s picture announcing his retirement. Like most of you probably are, I was shocked. Kelly seems to have this knack for dropping really important news at really shitty times, like his split from Quik on April fools last year. I sat and stared at Kelly’s picture, and much like how my exam will go tomorrow, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. How could he leave us one event into a new world tour? Who will replace Kelly’s year round starting position on my fantasy team? Does the WSL really suck that bad? Below are my thoughts on the questions above.

What do people that are retired do? Golf lessons and apparently design furniture. (Photo: Gross/Getty images)


How could Kelly leave us one event into the new world tour?

Theres only one viable explanation. I’m not a doctor, but Mr. Slater currently has all the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. I don’t know how you can get a mid-life crisis when your job description is to travel the world and surf the best waves, but hey, what do I know? Google “average age for midlife crisis”, research shows the average age for a mid-life crisis for males is 43, what a coincidence. Like any other middle aged wealthy male experiencing a mid-life crisis, Slater has been dropping serious cash on a variety of things. For example: buying half of Firewire (good investment Kelly), starting Outerknown, getting involved with Purps, and lastly, partnering with PBTeen to create an eco-friendly furniture line. Sure, Kelly has always been environmentally conscious, but why the sudden desires to change the world? Webster defines a mid-life crisis as “ a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change.” As they say, if the shoe fits, wear it.


Who will replace Kelly’s year round starting position on my fantasy team?

No one will. I can’t count on any of the other surfers on tour to consistently get the results that deserve a year round spot on my elite eight. Slater has been on tour before some of those guys were even born. You can’t fake experience.

Does the WSL really suck that bad? [explicit language]

Fortunately, if the “#happyapril1sttoeveryonebackhome” is true, this was all just a joke on all 1 million of his followers.

Golden Boy Gabe Gets Fined


Screen Shot 2015-03-21 at 12.53.17 pmIt was a rocky start (especially for Freddy P) to the inaugural world surf league season. The frustration showed, and personally, I loved it. For spectators, it was entertaining as hell even in the knee-high conditions. Josh Kerr was bashing his board like it was a bloke that slept with his misses. Then there’s Freddy P, who posted a whopping heat total of 1.13. Really Freddy? His rock stomp scored better than his only other wave. How does that even happen? Medina criticized the WSL commissioner, and gave Glenn Hall a very public warning. This left me with a few unanswered questions: What was medina going to teach him? Why didn’t Peter Mel let him continue to entertain us? What is going to happen to the Brazilian golden boy?

While theres a lot of speculation around the first two questions, we got the truth about the last one. Thursday, the WSL came out with the following decision on the Medina/Hall interaction: “The World Surf League (WSL) Rules and Disciplinary Committee has completed its investigation into the Medina/Hall incident from the Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast. Following conversations with both parties involved as well as reviewing broadcast footage, the Rules and Disciplinary Committee has determined that Medina was in violation of the athlete Code of Conduct and has been fined as a result. Medina’s efforts following the incident to amend any public misperceptions about his and Hall’s relationship have been noted and appreciated. We wish all competitors good fortune at the upcoming Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach.” While we don’t the know the amount Gabe was fined, I personally think he got off light. Thinking back to J-Bay, Jeremy Flores was fined AND suspended for verbally bashing the judges. By not suspending Medina, the Rules and Disciplinary Committee has essentially said: go ahead and bash each other, as long you don’t bash us, no harm done. I like to see the athletes get fired up and didn’t mind hearing the F-bomb dropped in the webcast, but it would be nice to see some consistency across the board with suspensions and fines.

J-flo sarcastically applauding the judges before his suspension.


Anyways, the Rip Curl Pro at Bells Beach is approaching, and I can only hope these antics continue. Maybe we’ll see Jordy chuck a board from the top of the cliff, or Parko stab a grom with his fins after losing in round 1. In all seriousness, I hope there’s a decent swell for the Rip Curl Pro. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of the best surfers in the world losing their shit, but I do want to see them actually surf.

The Time I Almost Fell Off A Cliff In Australia


Below is an anecdote about the time I nearly died at Grinders.

8 A.M:

The sound of my alarm rings inches from ear. I blindly slap around to find my phone that’s hidden deep in between the couch cushions. I roll off of the couch and put on the only clothes I brought; jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of reefs. As I stumble into the kitchen still half asleep, Michael says, “ Grinders today?” in an eager but questionable tone. He’s already seated at the table in front of the open sliding glass door, eating what resembles a granola bar dropped in a bowl of milk. I go through a mental checklist to try and come up with something other then grinders. Note, the Rip Curl Pro at Bells Beach is in full swing this weekend. Bells is off limits, Winkipop has everybody and their closest mates surfing, plus we had already surfed Pt. Addis and the other go to spots with little luck the days before. “Yeah, I’m keen”, I reply hesitantly, as I pull my bread out of the toaster.

The view from the top of the cliff.

The view from the top of the cliff.

Two weeks before:

We had just finished surfing and Michael wanted to check grinders before heading home. We pull into this dirt car park and he jumps out, I follow. As we start heading into the bush following this small footpath, a fence with the cliché “locals only” carved into the wooden post appears. A brisk jump over and we keep moving down this narrowing trail if you could even call it that. Another 5 minutes passes and here I am, getting my first look at grinders. As I stand there looking over the 100 foot near vertical cliff, I think to my self, there’s no f**king way I’m ever surfing here.

Steep enough for ya?

Steep enough for ya?

8:30 A.M:

We’ve finished breakfast and are outside loading up the ute. Boards get tossed in, followed by towels, and wetsuits. We pull out of his driveway and start heading down the Great Ocean Road towards Grinders. It’s a nice day, upper 50’s/low 60’s, partly cloudy, a light onshore breeze, and a forecasted 4′ swell. We pull onto the dirt road leading to grinders and I can feel my adrenaline already starting to pump thinking about making it down this cliff. He throws the truck in park and we start making our way through the knee-high grass to the cliff side. We hop the fence again and this time its for real, I’m actually going to have make it down this cliff.

Not the actual fence, but you get the idea.

Not the actual fence, but you get the idea. Photo: Chris Burkard

8:50 A.M:

Michael leads; showing me what he thinks is the proper technique to navigating this sketchy ass cliff. First, you have two options. Either walk the plank, a small wooden board placed across a 15 foot deep hole, or walk along the foot wide ledge of the hole, which is also the edge of the 100 foot cliff. After successfully crossing the creaking, weathered board, I look up and there’s two pieces of rebar with rope knotted around it. You guessed it, we grabbed onto the rope and navigated the edge of the cliff until I watched Michael take a sharp right and start descending the cliff. Trying to follow his exact footsteps, I take the sharp right grasping the scattered pieces of rebar and century old rope whenever possible. This is where I started to notice my reefs were no match for the crumbling rock. I continue to slowly make my way down and as I approach the last 15 feet of the cliff, I realize there are no more makeshift steps or switchbacks to follow down. There’s just this same piece of rope tied to a piece of rebar that was slammed into the side of the cliff, dangling down to the small patch of sand and rock beneath us. I watch Michael carefully bend over and grab the rope with one arm, board underneath the other, and slowly start to repel the last 15 feet. Yeah, I said repel, like hold onto a rope and jump down a cliff, repel. Now it’s my turn. My heart’s in my throat; I tug on the rope to see if the surfer with an engineering hobby that decided to set up this contraption did a good enough job. Rope in one hand, board under the other; I start stepping down the last drop off with absolutely no confidence in this rope. Surprisingly, my feet hit the sand first and the rope didn’t give out on me as soon as I took my first step.

Grinders hike up


11 A.M.

We get out of the water and with high tide approaching, there’s even less beach than there was before. This is the first time it crossed my mind that I was going to have to get up this cliff. Michael takes off first, firmly grabbing the rope and shimmying up one handed with ease. As soon as he lets go of the rope, I start walking my way up the vertical face to catch up with Michael. Everything is going smoothly until we reach the sharp turn. I’m wet, I have my board under one arm, and my reefs are basically as good as using banana peels for shoes. Waiting for Michael to make the last steep step up before we’re pretty much home free, I feel myself starting to slip. I made a crucial mistake; having put one knee down made it impossible to re-stand up with out sliding. I’m trying to grab onto any rock I can find to hold myself in place until I can get better footing, but nothing is within arms distance. Every time I move a muscle I slip more. Michael is up the last step already when I yell that I’m slipping and he needs to get down here. At first it was funny to him until he looked over the edge and realized I was indeed slipping, and slipping a lot. The wind has picked up now. I feel it catching my board; I’m starting to contemplate whether I should just throw it and use both hands or just keep clinging for dear life. While Michael is making his way down the cliff for the second time today, I’m digging my one free hand into the dirt as hard as possible trying not to fall to a certain death. After what felt like an hour, Michael finally made it down to me and  I can hand off my board and now use both hands. I pull my self together and start moving up the cliff again, slowly. Moving at a sloth like pace, I finally made it to the top where we had a good laugh at my misfortunes.

Looking up the cliff.

A better picture of the hike up.

Moral of the story: be glad you don’t have to do this every day at your local spot.

Wow. This sucks big time. It’s like getting slammed at the Wedge


Wow. Bodyboarding can be really, really cool, and there’s even The Wedge, a surf break made especially for spongers. This guy, however, really gets it. And it’s just a really, really shitty situation. Check out the vid. It also reminds me of this sponger taking it for the team. Courtesy of Surf Nation.

Toes on the nose with Google Garth, Nintendo Wii balance board


Ridiculous surfing consumerism part 7,532….

Ok, so first of all, the Nintendo Wii balance board surfing is about as close to surfing as a computer can get.  But why are these 2 german dudes from the center for artifical intelligence riding over mountains….I dont get it.  Check out this vid.

Get out of our house, Yahoo! Jordy Smith Rodeo Flip the BEST MOVE EVER!!


YahooWhy is it that people who don’t surf are narrow-minded? Check out this link to a Yahoo video talking about how a Rodeo flip is the “best surfing move ever.” No doubt it’s extremely hard, but I don’t think it’s the best surfing move ever, it’s too… blah… it doesn’t flow with the wave… I don’t know, I’m probably just jealous. Just read the comments below the video on the Yahoo page and laugh your ass off when you read stuff like “knarly” and other kookish things.

Pearling (on a boat) Funny Shiz


Wipeout of the Week

Ok, we’re not going to rag on these folks for riding in a boat. No, we’re not going to do that. We’re not going to say: “well, I’m sure that’s fun, but you shouldn’t have been riding a boat in the first place.”. No, we’re not going to do that. We’re not going to speculate on the feeling of pearling in that thing. No, we’re not going to do that.

Taj Burrow Getting Tossed in France


It’s always fun to see the top guys get their salads tossed, just the same as we mere mortals.  This one comes to us courtesy of Billabong.  Here’s top Billabong team rider Taj Burrow puttering around in a small playful Basque country beachy in between World Tour events.  All goes well until he attempts the little backside-three hop at the shoreline.  Enjoy!

Taj Burrow surfs Firewire and Drinks Foster’s Lager


Taj Burrow, pictured here, surfs a Firewire, and drinks Foster’s Lager (of course!). Mr. Spectator just drinks Foster’s, according the belly shot in this photo. If Taj keeps it up, we have a good idea what he’ll look like in 20 years. Good job on the bartending. (Courtesy of the Firewire website – We love ’em).

Pipeline Isn’t the Only Rad Thing About Surfing…


…Smokin’ hot dumb blonds are one of the best things about surfing. Watching and talking to them rules. This is Tashia McIntosh, and she’s trying to win “Miss Transworld Surf”. Which is the magazine’s never-ending search for hot chicks in bikinis, I.Q. not an issue. Her-ray! Down below you’ll find a video interview with Tashia, and this has to be my favorite quote from the adorable little piece: “I think I was born naked”. Priceless. I love her. She’s answering Chris Cote’s question as to how comfortable she feels in a bikini. Tashia thinks she might have been born naked…and feels she should have been born in a bikini instead. Yep, it’s even better when you see it. I think she should have been born in this bikini last night in my dreams, but I didn’t know of Tashia then and I don’t think my brain could have come up with that quote. Chris Cote, being the funny guy he is, responded with “I think I was born in a 3-piece suit”, and she’s oblivious to the joke at her own expense.


I love you, boo! Best of luck…

You can see more exciting interviews with other swim suit hopefuls here.

Seen on Craigslist – Surfboard Bag Shoulder Strap for $10!


It never ceases to amaze what people will do to earn surfing gas money. On Craigslist, you can get some sweet deals. It’s the tool of choice for selling a used surfboard. Apparently for a Santa Monica surfer, it’s also a place to sell a Surfboard Bag Shoulder Strap for $10. In case – you know – you lost yours. Comes with a free bar of Tropical Sex Wax! Actually, no it doesn’t, but you kinda half expect to be comped.

Surfer gives up surfing too early


Well that just sucks. Saw this on Craigslist Newport beach the other day. Land lover indeed. It’s a sign of the end of summer. Poor ex-surfer gets frustrated at a sport that requires a serious commitment to fail, failure, fail again, can’t paddle fast enough, pearling and other general kookiness. But man when you get over the hump, it’s fantastic. Surfing is orgasmic! Here, our California frustrated surfer dude owns a G&S longboard that he’s hoping to dump for the not-quite-a-bargain price of $750. (Names etc. are hidden to protect the innocent.) Aside from the benefit of non-crowded line ups, we at suggest that nobody buy this board, and force the guy to give it a try again. Next summer. And further down the line from us, hehehe. Don’t sell your board, try, try and try again. GET STOKED!

A Kook’s Guide to: Not looking like a kook while walking up to your break


(Sorry Mr. Kook, I know that kookiness is your domain, but I had to do this subject – Feel free to put up any posts using the title “A Kook’s Guide to” if you want…)

Disclaimer: This is a parody meant to be read by real surfers. But read this as if you were a clueless kook. That is the the only way that this post will be funny. You have been warned.

1. If you are in wetsuit weather, walk up with your wetsuit hanging around your waist. It’s a sign that you are too cool to put on your wetsuit fully until you know that the waves are good, and therefore not wasting energy, but you are still somewhat ready so that you can be out before anyone realizes you’re a kook (in the water, though, that’s a different story).

2. Stand on the beach and watch the waves for half-an-hour (time may vary depending on wave size). All the pros do it, so why shouldn’t you waste your time looking at the waves, seemingly thinking about rip-tides, paddle-out points, swell direction, drift – only losers do that! Besides, you’ll look like you’ll know what you’re doing (that is, until you get in the water).

3. Hoot and holler whenever a perfect wave peels down the line or someone already out does something incredible. Only hardcore surfers and crazy people hoot and holler for no apparent reason, and with a surfboard under your arm, people will think you’re a hardcore surfer.

4. Stick those stickers on them boards – not only will it cover the dings that you’re too kooky to know how to fix, but you’ll look like a sponsored hot-shot who can rip (again, until you get in the water). *

*I take no responsibility for black eyes in the line-up.

Perils of pearling while “surfing”


Ahh yes. Goat boats. We’re sure it’s quite a rush to surf down the face of a wave in a big mofo of a boat. But, as any kook knows, pearling happens from time to time. It can be rescued. You’ve got to push yourself off of the deck of your board etc. etc. Anyway, that’s a LOT harder to do when you’re surfing with a mammoth, 40 ton boat. Sucks to be, umm, all of them. Serves them right for (probably) taking over the break.

Intel Shows Off a Web-Surfing Surfboard


I came across this bizarre display of ridiculous surf consumerism during a random Google search this morning.  The article was originally published by ABC News on Oct 8, 2004 …the headline screaming: “Intel Shows Off a Web-Surfing Surfboard”…a desperate attempt to save the hi-tech company from the bubble burst.  Because you wouldn’t believe me if I simply summarized what the article is about, I feel that it is necessary to paste the stupidest part of the article:

“Ralph Bond, a spokesman for Intel, says the company has helped designed a surfboard that contains a fully functional wireless laptop that would allow riders to “Surf the surf and surf the Web at the same time.”

Bond says the one-of-a-kind creation is meant “to show how wireless connectivity to the Internet is really permeating every aspect of our lives.” And while mixing the waves with the Web might sound like an ingenious idea, it wasn’t an easy task to accomplish.

Are they on crack?  “Ingenius idea?”  This is possibly the lamest attempt to make a geek brand cool – but please, don’t pull surfing into this one.   It would not have been so outrageous if they had at least used the stand up paddle surfboard as their digital dream quiver.