Category Archives: Ridiculous surfing consumerism

Toes on the nose with Google Garth, Nintendo Wii balance board

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Ridiculous surfing consumerism part 7,532….

Ok, so first of all, the Nintendo Wii balance board surfing is about as close to surfing as a computer can get.  But why are these 2 german dudes from the center for artifical intelligence riding over mountains….I dont get it.  Check out this vid.

Intel Shows Off a Web-Surfing Surfboard

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I came across this bizarre display of ridiculous surf consumerism during a random Google search this morning.  The article was originally published by ABC News on Oct 8, 2004 …the headline screaming: “Intel Shows Off a Web-Surfing Surfboard”…a desperate attempt to save the hi-tech company from the dot.com bubble burst.  Because you wouldn’t believe me if I simply summarized what the article is about, I feel that it is necessary to paste the stupidest part of the article:

“Ralph Bond, a spokesman for Intel, says the company has helped designed a surfboard that contains a fully functional wireless laptop that would allow riders to “Surf the surf and surf the Web at the same time.”

Bond says the one-of-a-kind creation is meant “to show how wireless connectivity to the Internet is really permeating every aspect of our lives.” And while mixing the waves with the Web might sound like an ingenious idea, it wasn’t an easy task to accomplish.

Are they on crack?  “Ingenius idea?”  This is possibly the lamest attempt to make a geek brand cool – but please, don’t pull surfing into this one.   It would not have been so outrageous if they had at least used the stand up paddle surfboard as their digital dream quiver.

Celebrities who can stand next to surfboards: Kardashian #2

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Do we really have to start caring about all the Kardashians now? It’s like celebrity Reagan economics. I mean, I could make some really obvious “trickle down” jokes stemming from why Kim Kardashian is famous, but I’m gonna be a lady and pass…

Caption: “Does this board make my a$$ look big? I hope so, ’cause my sister gets all the attention with hers.”

Writer’s Note: I will never drink Sierra Mist again.

Writer’s Shopping List: Find new vodka mixer.

Introducing the “Surf Simulator”

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According to it’s UK promoter, Corporate Leisure International (http://www.corporateleisure.co.uk/), the ‘Surf Simulator “gives you the opportunity to ‘ride the tube‘ without getting your feet wet“. Huh? A sign the Corporate world is REALLY out of touch? Nah, just another way to have fun at a party. CLI, an event business, also offers among others: snowboard, jet ski, and magic carpet(?) “simulators”. The best part? Like a mechanical bull, simulators are controlled by an operator who can pretty much buck yo ass off at will. This thing might be pretty entertaining….after a few pints.

SUP Magazine finds its place in the world

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Sometimes a photo comes along that just sorta makes sense. The rollerbladers of the seas are always an easy target. When celebrities and the elderly have taken to doing it in lakes and community center pools, any remaining iota of cool that SUP-ing retained is now lost. Sure, you can argue about Laird and others who do it at Waimea and Teahupoo. While I can respect their insanity talent, rollerblading in a halfpipe never made it any cooler.

Fuel TV’s The Daily Habit rocks, plays douchey music

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First off, I love my Fuel TV. Most of their shows and programs are unreal.  From Fins and On Surfari, to the surf videos and contests that they run, they definitely do things right.  As a non-skater/snowboarder, I’m even addicted to much of their skating and snow programming.  Capping all this off is their news show which serves as a news recap program for the action sports industry, The Daily Habit.

The Daily Habit brings you up to date on the latest contest results, industry moves, sponsorships, etc., and features live interviews and performances by live bands.  For the most part, the bands and groups they feature are insane, catchy and have you running to iTunes to download the latest single.  On occasion, The Daily Habit gets things horribly wrong.

The above performance by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros serves as a perfect example as to why The Daily Habit needs to better screen their performers.  Further, this clip should serve as evidence as to why hipsters should never be a protected class under law.  Go ahead, try getting this hipster ho-down shit out of your head.  Jesus Christ Superdouche!

Edward Sharpe – if you’re reading this – it’s okay.  Your father can’t hurt you anymore.

“iJoy” watching people make fools of themselves

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An all time low for board sport trainers, the iJoy balance board looks like the biggest waste of money. Ever. Really, you just stand on it, and you set it to an intensity (if that’s what you want to call it…) and then – BAM! – it shakes! That thing looks easier to balance on than solid ground! Maybe if it kinda teeter-tottered and wobbled, it would be of good use, but this… meh. An Indo Board (which I have, by the way, and give a full endorsement) would be a much better alternative, and it’s tons more fun! You can actually do surfing tricks on it. The iJoy is more like riding a skateboard down a gravel road. It’s just plain ridiculous. I guess for those people who are like: “Hey, if I can balance on this than I can surf!” Well whatever.

Work on that Elvis shake!

Surfer with too much time on his hands

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We’re all for entrepreneurialism.

But the surfer or non-surfer who conceived off this wine stopper with a surfing edge didn’t really, umm, think about it before making it and selling it on Ebay. This is NOT getting me stoked to drink wine, NOR surf. Not stoked.

The End of Surfing in 1948: Motorized Surfboards?!?

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This piece of ridiculous surfing consumerism was submitted by Herzog, one of our readers in Brazil. 

This guy actually invented this motorized surfboard in the 1940s, we think it would have caught on if he had on some board shorts and took off the 3-piece suit.  Or maybe this guy can be credited with the birth of SUP?  He is holding onto something, is that a paddle?!?

The Google Surfboard – Just when you thought surfing was safe from Google

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Google. It’s everywhere. It’s the tool that helps you surf the net and find great sites like DailyStoke.com (hehehe) but it also helps you find webcams and surf reports. That said, to date, Google has not invaded the surfing world. That day has come, the the first ever Google surfboard. Now, we suspect some of the folks at Google’s offices in Mountain View and Newport and Santa Monica surf. In fact, we’d be that more than a few of these geeks engineers probablly shred. That said, the Google surfboard towers above Merrick’s and the …Lost Mark Richards. Hmm.

Summer of Surf by H&M

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It yet another example of ridiculous surfing consumerism, H&M, the Swedish (there’s no surf there) clothing outsourcer created an ad for the masses in the summer of 2007. H&M’s Summer of Surf is actually pretty hot, in those examples where a girl could actually wear the stuff their promoting, shown below. Surfing is sexy blah blah blah. Now, in one of the examples, the one with the girl wearing the white bikini, yeah, I know that it’s not likely to work for surfing after the first wipeout. I’d like to be in close proximity when it happens. The duck dive image though – yeah, for $14, you should get your girl a piece of H&M summer of surf. Summertime rocks.

The Rastovich’s Get Soft Core

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Dave and Hannah Rastovich recently took part in a rather unconventional photo shoot for Stab Magazine. The article was titled “Tonight I’m Yours” and debuted some racy photos that boardered on soft-core porn…and they had absolutely nothing to do with surfing. However, Hannah looked smokin’ and I thought they’d be worth bringing to everyone’s attention.

The editor’s note right before the pictures is crazy, it reads: “Two months after this shoot, Dave and Hannah decided to separate. Stabs asks that you please respect their privacy during this difficult time.”

I had no idea!!! We love Rasta and wish he and Hannah all the best…at least you guys got some good pictures out of it! Check out the whole article here: http://www.stabmag.com/features/rasta-and-wife/.

You are fatter than you think – try on the darn wetsuit!

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This guy is not a surfer, as can be seen that the wetsuit is a scuba wetsuit, but the same concept applies with these wetsuits as with surfer’s wetsuits: try them on! Honestly, who throws down $200+ on a wetsuit and doesn’t try it on? Don’t let your ego get in the way while choosing a wetsuit either. If a large fits you better than a medium, then a large is your size. If Rip Curl fits you better than O’neill, than a Rip Curl is your brand. You won’t have the same physique as we all had in high-school. Sorry, but it’s true. Try on your wetsuit.

Standup Paddle Magazine launches: surfers everywhere puke a little

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Yep. It’s true. As announced over at SurfersVillage.com, the surfing world has put out another magazine for us self respecting surfers not to buy. Standup Paddle Magazine launched it’s virgin issue this month, ushering in a whole new error of anti-cool. While surfers the world over puke and laugh with disgust, we have an as of yet unconfirmed account of Chris Cote slitting his wrists.

Apparently, the first issue will focus on standup paddle surfing, how to stand prone, how to select a paddle, interior design, floral arrangements and rollerblading with the fellas. It will be a photo spectacular for you to ooh and ah at while waiting for your nails to dry at the salon.

Water Magazine, Drift and Longboard Magazine went under, yet this craptastic magazine get’s launched? Who the hell is advertising in this thing? Are they unaware that they have paid good hard advertising dollars to be showcased alongside a few sea sweepers? What’s next? Webbed Glove Surfing Magazine?

See below for photos from the maiden issue. Enjoy!

Deviations in California Surf Culture

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Whether the blame lies on the inherent nature of stereotyping or on the media-washed portrayal of subcultures, a closer look at any sub-community reveals deviations within, so great sometimes, that it startles the senses. “How did I ever swallow such a blatantly obvious apocryphal story?” The surfing community with its own set of cultural signs and signals is no different.

The surf community in Southern California has its own unique surf culture that lives and breathes its own unique signs. With the heavy influence of industry mammoths like Rip Curl in San Clemente and Quicksilver in Huntington Beach, the scene is dominated by surf labels. Surfers in these areas adorn themselves in the gear and products marketed in their area. They embrace the attitude and lifestyle of their home. Furthermore, a more unfettered glimpse of Southern California reveals particular deviations. A surfer in Ventura uses specific signs and symbols that deviate from the signs and symbols of a surfer in Encinitas.

Moving north to Santa Cruz, further deviations are present that distinguish its own surf culture. Again, influenced by large surf companies like Santa Cruz Surfboards, O’neill and Hotline, the surfers of this area identify with these local labels. There is an obvious similarity between surfers in So Cal and surfers in Nor Cal, which is differentiated merely by the surf companies in the local area. But uniquely, Santa Cruz has a further derivation: the vato surfer. Usually localized on the Westside of Santa Cruz, these surfing cholo-vatos wear chinos, plaid jackets buttoned to the neck, and straight billed red Santa Cruz Surfboard hats. A twisted blend of narrow-minded protective redneck culture, a sprinkling of drugs and alcohol, topped off with gang-like affiliations and brotherhood.

Even further north in the city by the bay, San Francisco surfers are nondescript. They blend into the social fabric of the city at large. Outliers do exist who embrace the surf products of the industry, but the majority of them are indistinguishable from the North Face fleeced, Patagonia down jacketed, and twirled hipster mustached inhabitants of the metropolis. It requires a strong magnet like the premiere of a surf movie or a large ground swell for these individually dispersed ions to coalesce into a community. Yet, each person, remains somewhat distinct and unique within the ebb and flow of the community.

These are just a few of the many deviations within surf culture. Although contact with some of these sub-genres of surfing remain elusive, they thrive in their own unique way. Surfers in Texas, the wave gliders of Australia’s Gold Coast, dedicated polar bears of the Great Lakes all latch to certain unique signs and symbols to establish a unique character of their own. Continually gazing at surf culture through the narrow keyhole of surf industry marketing, advertising and magazines solidifies the superficial idea of a unified and clearly delineated symbol-adorned “Surfer.” This is a paltry slice of surfing.

Removing the blinders, traveling to new destinations and new waves, actively looking at the surfers around you reveals a much more vivid and rich community. Not doing so will lead to a vapid existence; doing so will expose what really connects the community. It is not the label or logo, but that certain sparkle in an eye or a slight smirk at the knowledge that what we do share is as large as an ocean and as definitive as the sun setting in the west over a blue-green salt water playground.

Southern California: Paradise Lost

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Perhaps this isn’t a myth, especially if you surf in Southern California, but Southern California isn’t what its all cracked up to be. Although the water is generally pleasant and warm, and the weather is always around 72 degrees, the Southern California beach paradise myth ends there.

Now, I want to say from the very beginning that Southern California will always have a special place in my heart since it is the place that I spent so many of my formative delinquent years, but I feel like I just need to tell it like it is. And to tell it like it is, I am going to just quote directly from The Stormrider Guide North America because I couldn’t say it better myself if I tried:

“…It’s a vastly overpopulated concrete jungle pulsing with rampant development, traffic jams, opulent malldoms, and an ever-thickening swarm of surfers…The beaches of Southern California can be a dry sauna stuffed with millions of people, a carnival set appointed with imported desert sand and tired palm trees, sweaty policemen and self-important volleyball squads, uptight and overworked lifeguards, clueless tourist hordes, ageless surgically-reconstructed women, screaming children, skate punks and muscle people, suffocating smog and a concrete river system, endless parking meters, spotless SUVs, intense signage, homeless bums, homeless moms and homeless kids, fast-food trash blowing through trashed ecosystems, toxic bonfires, cigarette butts, broken glass, shit, urine, and stormdrains heading out to sea, airplanes, traffic helicopters, men with shopping carts collecting aluminum cans in the parking lot, and greasy suntan lotion smeared all over everything.”

That sums it up pretty well.