Like any college student, I was simply procrastinating studying for my art history exam, lame right? I decided to scroll through instagram and I came across Slater’s picture announcing his retirement. Like most of you probably are, I was shocked. Kelly seems to have this knack for dropping really important news at really shitty times, like his split from Quik on April fools last year. I sat and stared at Kelly’s picture, and much like how my exam will go tomorrow, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. How could he leave us one event into a new world tour? Who will replace Kelly’s year round starting position on my fantasy team? Does the WSL really suck that bad? Below are my thoughts on the questions above.
How could Kelly leave us one event into the new world tour?
Theres only one viable explanation. I’m not a doctor, but Mr. Slater currently has all the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. I don’t know how you can get a mid-life crisis when your job description is to travel the world and surf the best waves, but hey, what do I know? Google “average age for midlife crisis”, research shows the average age for a mid-life crisis for males is 43, what a coincidence. Like any other middle aged wealthy male experiencing a mid-life crisis, Slater has been dropping serious cash on a variety of things. For example: buying half of Firewire (good investment Kelly), starting Outerknown, getting involved with Purps, and lastly, partnering with PBTeen to create an eco-friendly furniture line. Sure, Kelly has always been environmentally conscious, but why the sudden desires to change the world? Webster defines a mid-life crisis as “ a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change.” As they say, if the shoe fits, wear it.
Who will replace Kelly’s year round starting position on my fantasy team?
No one will. I can’t count on any of the other surfers on tour to consistently get the results that deserve a year round spot on my elite eight. Slater has been on tour before some of those guys were even born. You can’t fake experience.
Does the WSL really suck that bad? [explicit language]
Fortunately, if the “#happyapril1sttoeveryonebackhome” is true, this was all just a joke on all 1 million of his followers.